Bashing of the Simpsons
by DWAR
Summary: Having grown tired of the lack luster performance of a certain family, the citizens of Springfield, joined by Kang and Kodos, along with other guest characters, have come together to tell the most annoying/pathetic characters of the beloved series what they really think of them. Be warned, there will be massive bashing of some characters, so be prepared for controversial topics.
1. Intro Proceedings

Flashing an evil grin at the bound human, though she highly doubted that the crowd possessed a keen enough eye to spot the difference between her current expression and the default expression of her race, Kodos slithered up to the podium and cleared her throat before addressing her mostly yellow skinned audience.

"Human inhabitants of Springfield, I am Kodos of the planet Rigellian 7. For nearly 3 decades, my brother Kang and I have watched your primitive society with interest, and have seen your kind revolve around the actions of a small, but surprisingly influential family group. It does not matter that their socio economic status is somewhat lesser than many of you, nor does it interest us that the male members possess intelligence levels that are considerably lesser than that of the females".

Pointing a tentacle at the lowly muttering crowd, the female Rigellian boomed out with her masculine sounding voice.

"Silence. You earthlings will have your chance to talk amongst yourselves soon enough. Now, as I was saying, the antics of this family have always amazed us, but in the last decade, we have watched in growing concern as the humor they had once brought to us began to become petty, and then finally out right annoying. But fear not, we have finally formed a solution that will hopefully achieve the outcome we so desire. And that in part is why you all are here".

Allowing the crowd another moment to talk amongst themselves, this time with more excitement than before, the one eyed aliens were greeted with the sight of one the town's more secondary, thought nonetheless recognizable inhabitants rise out of his seat to cajole them.

"I'm not buying it. You mean to tell us that you actually enjoy watching Homer make a complete idiot of himself? I mean, I do too, but that's only because I would have gone out of business years ago if it wasn't for his alcoholism".

Waving the rather rugged, and they were being generous when they used that term, bar keep to sit back down, and taking the mic from his sister, Kang proceeded to answer the relevant question.

"Indeed we do. Countless millions have been raised watching the antics of the family of one Homer Simpson, and it is because of that that we are here today to discuss a very serious problem".

His words earning an unimpressed huff from one of the few inhabitants of Springfield whose obesity surpassed that of the bald headed patriarch of the Simpson family, Kang remained silent as the pony tailed comic store owner made his opinion known.

"Oh please. How anyone, let alone millions could, willingly watch the antics of a balding, overweight alcoholic whose parenting could be considered inadequate at best"?

Pleased at the opportunity to ask that question, for it led quite nicely into the purpose of this meeting, Kodos answered the question before her brother could.

"You'd be surprised. And that is precisely the reason for why we are here. Because for too long, the actions of the Simpson family have revolved around the issues of perhaps the most irritating members of their family group. And since this chain of events appears to be never ending, we have come to do what countless others undoubtedly wish to do, but have been denied the privilege of witnessing due to some quirk fate".

Waving her tentacle in a dramatic fashion, and nodding in approval as her brother anticipated her movement by shining a beam of light on the bound members of not only the Simpson family, but also those who had proven to have their own regular moments of annoyance, Kodos beamed with delicious glee as she announced the reason why they had been gathered.

"Puny earthlings, and those who possess the ability to watch these proceedings without physically being here, I present to you, THE ROAST OF THE SIMPSON FAMILY AND FRIENDS".

 **...**

 **Hey everyone, hopefully you all enjoyed this intro. Hopefully I'll be able to update regularly, but if not due to other commitments, I will ensure that the chapters are well written.**

 **Anyways, the idea to do this story came to me as I was watching some rerun of one of the older episodes, the one where Krusty and his father reunite, and the one where Bart works to save money for a comic book in case anyone was wondering, and found myself comparing it to the drivel that is now being introduced. The newer episodes still have some good plots, and of course the tree house of horror is always good, but the series is either constantly trying to make Lisa more popular (that episode where she gets pissed at her mother about not liking Jazz being an example), or revolving around the antics of Marge.**

 **Now, I confess that they have never been my favorite characters, Lisa being a tad too preachy, and Marge just because her naivety/lack of common knowledge is rather pathetic, not to mention her nagging, the fact that she ruins the fun of the family, and adopts moral crusades that no one could care less about, but until recently never been inspired to write a story to bash the most unpopular characters in Simpsons history (Lisa is #1, Marge #2).**

 **But now that I've finally found the inspiration to write something like this, I fully intend to mock/bash everything that they have done for my amusement XD.**

 **Also intend to do the same to pathetic characters like Principal Skinner, Helen Lovejoy, Millhouse, Flanders Children (up in the air about Ned himself) and others.**

 **Will be hosting a poll on my profile to see which characters you want to be bashed the most.**

 **Reviews (NOT FLAMES) are always welcome.**

 **And look forward to the next chapter XD**


	2. Not so large Marge

Taking a moment to enjoy the tentative round of applause that followed her impressive introduction, though she could somehow sense that her announcement had resulted in more enthusiastic approval from those who possessed the technology to watch the proceedings without being physically in the room, Kodos pushed one of the numerous buttons that blanketed the podium, and waved her tentacle in a dramatic fashion.

"For tonight's first roasting, we have decided to choose someone who deserves to be roasted, both figuratively and literally for all that she's done to both her family, and towards her fellow human beings. So please put your mutant limbs together, and welcome Mrs. Marge Simpson".

Clapping her tentacles together as the bound and gagged matriarch of the Simpson family was brought forward, the one eyed alien briefly consulted her vast collection of notes before beginning the proceedings.

"Now Marge, first let me just say that we want to thank you for your involuntary participation in this little roast of ours. We do apologise for gagging you, but you see, your voice is rather unpleasant to listen to, so until we allow you to speak in your defence, I'm afraid that it will have to remain".

Patting the cactus haired woman on the head, which of course did nothing to stop the frightened glare she was currently shooting at her captors, Kodos selected the first accusation at random before passing it to her brother, who hummed in approval.

"Now this seems like a good example to start off with. Depriving your family of much needed funds just because you couldn't stomach your families deceit in court. Now, Mr. Burns, despite the fact that their case against you was built on lies, you were nevertheless forced to accept that you would be paying some amount of money before Marge's conscience got the better of her. Is that correct"?

Directing the question towards the richest man in the now muttering hall, whose apparent frailty didn't prevent him from standing up with the type of rage that was only seen amongst the very wealthy when they were almost scammed, Kang nodded his head in understanding as he listened to the billionaire's rant.

"You are dam right you insidious cephalopod. Thanks to their lawyer's devilish ability to paint the most innocent man in Springfield as a common hoodlum, I was on the verge of paying out 1 million dollars to pay for the so called damage I caused to their scheming brat. I even offered to settle for half that amount, but the oafish patriarch of that poverty stricken group of parasites was influenced by his greed to reject my offer. Its only thanks to his wife's idiotic honesty that I got out of paying them anything. Surprises me that he is still with her, for if my wife ever cost me 1 million dollars, or even half that amount, I would have had her deported to the farthest leper colony, and have her spend the rest of her days counting her scabs".

Waving Mr. Burns to take his seat, and allowing the crowd a moment to mutter amongst themselves, Kang cast a side ways glance at the Simpson family before offering his own opinion.

"I believe you have a valid point Montgomery Burns. In Rigelian culture, the spouse is to respect all decisions made by the dominant partner in securing the family unit's well being, even if said actions might involve somewhat illegal activities. But I believe there are more instances where Marge has dismissed her family's comfort in favour of doing the 'proper thing'".

Giving the Rigelian equivalent of air quotes, Kang picked another card at random and began to read it with growing disbelief.

"It says here that there was another instance where her naive nature ensured that the Simpson family would have to survive on the meagre salary of Homer Simpson. Becoming an agent in the buying and selling of housing units for other humans, but lacking the moral backbone to mitigate the flaws of these dwellings in order to secure a commission. Lionel Hutz, could you expand on this for us please"?

Ensuring that his car salesman like smile was firmly in place, the shifty lawyer gleefully did as instructed.

"Not a problem. As I'm sure your all aware, certain business practises involve a slight smudging of the truth in order to ensure a steady stream of profit for said business. Nothing particularly dangerous for the client of course, but certain measures have to be taken in order to benefit the company. I took Marge under my wing, doing my best to show her how to be an effective real-estate agent, but in the end it proved to be a waste of time. For despite having successful sold one of our hard to move properties, for a bargain I might add, she decided to cancel the contract by offering further disclosure than we normally prefer. Of course the client in question was overjoyed by this news, being somewhat of a religious nut, but that eventually led to the termination of the already accepted offer, at which point we had to let her go".

Nodding his head in understanding, Kang poised another question for Hutz before motioning to sit him back down.

"And if she had used the knowledge that you had given her, would she have earned enough to improve her family's living condition"?

"Oh yeah. A successful real-estate agent makes maybe 5 times what a mid level employee does at the Nuclear Power Plant. And since her husband is a low level employee, I can honestly say that they would have been swimming in moolah if she didn't have a conscience".

Grinning in satisfaction as the crowd once again broke into mutterings, the one eyed alien chose his next selection with a degree of eagerness.

'Ahh now this one is interesting. Showing intolerance when the members of the household decide to embrace a religion that is different from the one that she practices. And then, doing her best to bribe said family members back to what she considers to be the right religious doctrine. I would have thought that American Earthlings of this day and age would know better considering their past history with religious intolerance, but perhaps I was wrong".

"But at least she's not a hypocrite Kang. For despite knowing that her family could no longer support an additional mouth to feed thanks to her husband's career change, she chose to keep the progeny instead of terminating it, though she did keep it a secret from her husband until it was time for it to be born. A choice that our people would have found easy to do thanks to our strict policies regarding population control".

Nodding his head in agreement with his sister, and having grown tired to explaining each and every detail of Marge's actions, Kang proceeded to give a clipped version of the events Marge had been responsible for.

"Lets see, neglecting your parenting duties to engage in gambling activities, almost acting on the lustful thoughts for another man, unnecessary feelings of jealousy for another woman despite your husband's continued dedication to you, threatening to withhold mating rights should he vote for someone you hate, purposefully sabotaging the political campaign of an affluent citizen during the final days of an election which seems to be a popular move amongst your species. Depriving your town of sugary treats, purposefully targeting and destroying a place of business because you disagree with its pleasure inducing abilities, favouring the happiness of one child over your more aged offspring, disowning your husband because he was enjoying a male's night out. Becoming a subservient partner despite being the intellectual superior, and…".

His eye widening in disbelief at the final crime on the list, Kang looked at the frustrated human with a look of disgust.

"Now THIS crime truly shows that you are part of an inferior race. If you were a member of the Rigellian species, you would have been executed for being this idiotically naïve".

Seeing that the crowd's curious mutterings were at their highest, and seeing that her brother was currently too outraged to announce the crime, Kodos seized the paper and announced what was on it.

"Causing your husband to be sent to prison because in a moment of guilt, you mailed an entertainment company a cheque for watching a pirated film. I believe this is your worse crime Marge Simpson. Far greater than demolishing a house of popular repute, or criticising your sibling for their romantic preferences. I believe this is sufficient enough to deny you the right to speak up in your defence. So you will remain gagged until the final event of the evening".

Pushing a button to send the now crying woman's chair back to the dimly lit line of humans, Kodos took a moment to consider which human would be the second bashing victim of the evening.

It wasn't too hard a decision.

And with a push of another button, the next character was brought forward.

…..

 **And I think that's enough for now XD**

 **I confess, Marge has never been a favourite character of mine. From the nagging, to the ruining of schemes, and her hypocritical nature, I'm am proud to have bashed her.**

 **Yes I know that there are numerous episodes where she is supportive, and the fact that I have take some things out of context to bash her, but lets face it, she's a pathetic character whose moralistic tendencies are almost as annoying as Lisa's.**

 **Anyway, hoped you enjoyed this bashing.**

 **The Poll I have up right now will determine the next chapter, so will start working on it next week.**

 **REVIEWS NO FLAMES.**

 **And til next time.**

to ensure


	3. Mocking the Starfish

Taking a moment to enjoy the earthling's understandably terrified expression, though she detected more than a hint of defiance in her youthful face, Kodos proceeded to begin the 2nd roast of the evening.

"Now I know in your culture you have a tendency to view the negative antics of your offspring as nothing more than adolescent rebellion, but I believe the actions of the middle Simpson child go beyond what your species would consider to be appropriate. While her numerous efforts to try and improve your planet are admirable, if somewhat naive, they nevertheless negatively impact the security of her family unit. Kang will remind you all of her crimes before we consider to allow her the chance to try and plead her case. For unlike her mother, her voice is not as grating to our sound receptors".

Ignoring the muffled sounds of anger from both the matriarch of the Simpson family, as well as the indignant sounding ones from their smartest member, the one eyed alien began to consult his notes.

"Let's see here. Initial attempts to push her non protein dietary habits on other people while still advocating for the consumption of aquatic cuisine because she likes the smell".

While the Rigelian male expected to have the reading of the first crime met with protest from the eldest daughter of the human family, he was largely surprised by the emotional reaction he elicited from the nearly bald patriarch.

"Oh Pinchie. My sweet delicious angel".

Turning towards his female sibling with a look of confusion as Homer continued to sob over his late pet/dinner, Kang cleared his throat before he continued.

"Moving on. We also have instances where she is disrespectful of her parents, the most specific instances being where she threw a tantrum when her mother expressed different tastes in musical culture, and when she took advantage of her father's position to cover up her dismal performance in the field of sports, only to throw yet another tantrum when her father made an unbiased decision against her".

Making a click of disapproval, the alien's expression became more vicious as he read the next crime.

"Now this is interesting, and goes on to show that despite her so called high intelligence, Lisa Simpson is in fact perhaps even more idiotic than her mother".

Passing the card to his sibling so she could read it herself, Kang directed a question towards the town's richest, and oldest citizen.

"Mr Burns, is it true that after Lisa Simpson made you aware of the importance of recycling, you offered her a substantial financial reward after her methods helped you recover your fortune"?

His question causing the hook nosed billionaire to chuckle cruelly, the one eyed alien found himself growing even more disgusted with the naïve idiocy of the young female as he listened to Mr. Burn's explanation.

"I did indeed. After selling my environmentally friendly slurry factory to regain my fortune, I generously offered 10% of the profits to the little girl who gave me the idea to utilize the forces of recycling for my own benefit. Of course she ripped up the cheque that would have made her, and her family millionaires, but the important thing is that I benefited wholly from the exchange. For I believe that if she had accepted the $12 million dollars, which I had only offered due to a momentary lapse of poor judgement, she would have been able to actually to make a larger nuisance of herself with all her talk of promoting so called clean and safe energy. The Sun has killed more people than the Nuclear Power Plant ever will, and I'll be dammed if I allow Mother Nature to drive me out of business".

Nodding his head in sympathy with the aged human billionaire, for his kind had also labored long and hard to overcome the destructive power of nature with their own technology, Kang turned back to his list.

"As terrible as depriving one's family unit of sufficient funds, along with the idiocy of failing to see how her own goals could be realized with said funds, AND causing her father's heart to nearly give out, there are more crimes that must be considered".

Clearing his throat, and more than lightly amused at the sight of the packed hall murmuring in interest as they thought of the girls crimes, Kang continued to read from the list.

"Lets see here. Throwing a fit when learning that her maternal caregiver doesn't care for her musical tastes. Pretending to be a member of an indigenous population just because she is overly guilty about what her more technically superior ancestors accomplished. Guilting her family into lowering their entertainment access just because she had been motivated by some behavioural doctrine, which she proceeds to abandon as soon as a more fascinating one comes along. Allowing your own pleasurable pursuits to take priority over the comfort of your family, though your mother's prodding to buy a musical instrument over an air cooling device means you do not share full responsibility for this failing. Disrespecting the primary breadwinner due to misplaced anger towards the disappearance of an effective male role model. And perhaps the most amusing of all, crying when you learned the true nature of your political system. However, I can't decide whether your crying at the backroom deals that make up any government structure, or at the fact that elected officials are mocking the physical appearance of statue who has some importance for gender relations in your nation. For one who pays homage to the belief of free speech, you tend to get rather upset when someone says something that you do not like".

Earning chuckles from the audience, and full out laughs from the hook nosed human and other well dressed earthlings, the pair of one eyed aliens nodded to each other as they proceeded to the next stage of their plan.

"Since the female earthling possesses less annoying vocal abilities, we had considered giving her the chance to try and defend her past actions. But since I'm sure no earthling wishes to hear the leftist ranting of a politically correct know it all, we shall move on to the next human earthling we have selected for tonight's roast. Ladies and gentleman, and those who identify themselves as neither, please give a round of applause for M…..".

….

 **And will end things here XD.**

 **Sorry for the long wait, but writers block, etc.**

 **Think I did a good job of bashing Lisa.**

 **Hopefully next chapter wont be as long.**


End file.
